Dinner and Discussion Parenting Series February 2024: Birds and the Bees and Everything Else! 

We thought it only appropriate that in the month that hosts Valentine’s Day – we host a party about sex.

No, it’s not what you’re thinking. Stop blushing.

This dinner party was the second one in our dinner and discussion parenting series. Each month, Stan and I host a dinner party for parents who have children around the same ages as our kids, and during the dinner party, we tackle a different difficult parenting topic. This month we thought we’d discuss how parents can teach their kids about the birds and the bees.

Truth be told, in the week leading up to the dinner, I worried that it was going to be, well, awkward.

The last time I talked about sex in a big group of people was during high school sex-ed, and we all remember how awkward those classes turned out to be.

Turns out, I need not have worried. This group proved forthright and brave, so even when we covered some blush-worthy topics, a spirit of camaraderie persisted that made me feel like I was among brothers-in-arms for this upcoming parenting challenge.

I ended up taking down about 14 cards of notes from this conversation; we had such a robust discussion. Thank you to all who attended and shared with vulnerability and candor and insight.

The parents who gathered around the table had children ranging in age from as young as two to as old as high school. Having such a broad range of experience proved incredibly helpful and made the discussion even more rich.

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

I’ve done my best to summarize our conversation so that readers may take away the highlights of what we discovered over the course of the evening. 

To break the ice, we asked our guests to go around the table, one at a time, say their name, the ages of their children, and why they decided to sign up for this particular dinner party (when we sent out the invite, we had options for a January politics dinner, February sex and pornography dinner, March race dinner, and April AI dinner).

Answers ranged from the very honest, “This one is the only one that had an open spot,” to the proactive “wanting to make sure they got ahead of the topic” before their kids encountered it.

Your Responsibility is Not To Control But To Equip

If you’re scanning this article and want to know the most important take-away for me, this was it: the best gift that we can give our children is to empower them with knowledge to make their own decisions within a strong, moral framework and to be their first source of information.

By the end of the night, we realized that no matter what we say or don’t say, teach or don’t teach, talk about or don’t talk about, when it comes to sex, our kids are going to be making their own decisions.

This concept was incredibly enlightening for me. (I know, now I look back and think, “duh! of course your kids will make their own decisions,” but at the time the idea really struck home. My kids are very young, and I am still often under the impression, however false, that my instruction has more influence than it really does.)

As our conversation progressed, I started to realize that as my kids get older, my influence will continue to wane. But my responsibility towards them does not.

I will never be able to prevent my sons from making choices that I wouldn’t recommend, or stop my daughter from making risky decisions. What I can do, however, is give all of them the tools they need to make smart decisions. I can be a trusted resource for them, and I can provide support for them whenever they need it.

Be Their First Resource

“Alexa, what does  $%&* mean?”

What do you do when you don’t know what something is? You google it. You ask Alexa. 

And that’s what our kids will do.

Unless we teach them that we are a better first resource.

One friend told a story about how his ten-year-old son first encountered pornography. The child had heard a “dirty word” from a teammate in the dugout at baseball practice. Not knowing what the word meant, he innocently opened up Safari, typed in the term, and BAM! 

My friend had not anticipated needing to have a talk about that topic that early with his son. And this story really hit home for all of us.

We want to be the first voice that our children hear about these topics. We want to help them have knowledge about what is right before they start getting influenced by other sources.

This story also made us realize that we wanted to be the first source not just for the names of body parts and the birds and the bees, but also for dirty words, for relationship advice, for all the stuff they will encounter while watching movies, listening to music, watching tiktok, playing video games or spending the night out with friends. 

We want to establish early on that we are the source– not google, not their friends– and that they can trust us to tell the truth, to be forthright, and to answer any question they have without shaming them or freaking out.

And that is going to be difficult. 

How do we start?

Be intentional about the language you use. Begin by talking about the names of body parts with your children at a very young age. Give correct anatomical names to each body part. No nicknaming or euphemisms. This builds trust, and helps kids not feel shame about parts of their bodies. 

Be intentional about getting ahead of this conversation. You can tell them before their friends start talking about it. Before the internet will accidentally show them. 

Children as young as early elementary school can learn that “every living thing contains the seeds or eggs needed to create life.” 

But when are they old enough to learn about the other topics? I’ve linked some resources below, but I think you will know as a parent. I heard recently that the average age of pornography exposure for kids is now 11. Frankly, I bet it’s earlier based on how many kids have access to the internet without supervision these days. A friend of mine said her sixth-grade daughter was searching online for a make-up kit, and a dildo showed up as one of the top search results. Ahhhh! 

So, it’s a good idea to have had these conversations before your child is 10-11 years-old, and frankly, you know your child best. A first child might be innocent, particularly if most of her friends are also first children. If you have a third child who is friends with kids who are also youngest siblings, you may need to explain earlier because he will be encountering topics earlier simply by virtue of his birth order and the birth order of his best friends. 

Whether you are proactively reading a book together, talking about what they might hear on the playground, or responding to a question, remind them over and over that they can always come to you, you will never be embarrassed by anything they ask, and that you want them to come to you first with questions about stuff like this before they search it on the internet or ask a friend. 

Equip Them to Make Great Choices 

One dinner guest shared a suggestion that I absolutely loved.

She noted that it’s important to have a one line description about sex that will convey your family’s values and give guidance for them that is easy to remember.

For example:

“Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed by two married people.” 

“The best choice is to wait to have sex until you are in a loving and committed relationship.”

Whatever your values are around sex that you want to share with your children, I think having a pithy statement that will sum it up that you can say over and over is a great tip because it will equip your children with guardrails that they can remember.

Another idea that came up in the dinner is to talk about sex using a metaphor of fire. In the right place, it can be safe and warm and wonderful. In the wrong place, it can be dangerous. Think about a fire in your fireplace vs. a wildfire. They’re both types of fire, but one is in its proper place. Sex can be wonderful when it is done in its proper place and time, but outside of that it can hurt you or others. 

I really liked this metaphor as a way to help my children approach the mixed messages they get in American culture around sex and sexualized images. I want to equip them to be able to know what they stand for and make choices that will honor that, without shaming them or simply expecting that they will always make the choice that I think is right.  

Interestingly, a parallel topic emerged during our conversation: drinking. In both drinking and sex, parents, families, and cultures have very different views on what is acceptable and the law has limits on both. We realized that in both cases, our goal is not to prevent our kids from making bad choices but to empower them to make the best choices with as much knowledge as possible. 

We are helping them build their moral compass in every conversation we have about these topics, and they are the ones who will get to use that compass to navigate their world. 

Knowledge is Power 

Decide when and how you and your spouse are going to have these conversations with your children in order to give them the knowledge to make great choices and to establish that you are their first and best resource for that knowledge. (Please note, these are merely topics to address. I will not presume to add what you should say about each. That is up to you and your family!)

• Where they can get information when they have questions
• Your values and expectations around sex, pornography, dating
• Slang terms in TV shows/music
• Names of body parts 
• Birth control 
• How to dress, what your standards are and why (ex. what must be covered)
• Shame
• Why you choose to watch (or not watch) certain movies, tv shows, etc. 
• The power of images, and what to do if you see an image that is pornographic
• Dirty words
• Respectful relationships
• Timing
• Consent
• The “bases” and what they mean
• The sexual spectrum
• Gender
• If you have other ideas, please put them in the comment section below! 

Tips 

These are just a few more tips that I found helpful in shaping my thinking.

• Both parents talk to each child, no matter the gender of the parent or child. Girls need to hear from dads and boys need to hear from moms just as much as they do from the parent who matches their gender.
• Use a matter of fact tone.
• When your kid asks you a question about sex, answer just the question they ask. Ex.”Mom, how does a baby come out?” Answer: “through the mama’s vagina.” Don’t go into sex unless you think they’re old enough. 
• Be chill! Don’t freak out. 
• When you’re not sure what to say, use the phrase, “I’m so glad you asked me that. Can I think about the best way to respond?”
• Maintain an open door policy in your home. No friends in bedrooms. No significant others in bedrooms. If you’re in a room with a significant other, the door needs to be open. (Obviously this one is more strict, but I think it’s great advice!) 
• No phones or screens in bedrooms. 

Helpful (and Hilarious) Quips  

• “The coolest, hottest kid is going to be the one who offers you drugs, alcohol, sex.”
• “Innocence lost is innocence lost. You can’t unsee something.” 
• “I am teaching you to filter what you see and what you watch. There is a lot out there, and you need to choose what’s best.”
• If in a picture someone is wearing less than they would show in a bathing suit, don’t look at it, share it, or ask for it.”
• “To walk out our door, you need to have two out of three covered up: boobs, belly, butt.” 

Resources

• Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters
• Birds and the Bees Organization (Class) 
• Life 360
• Bark
• Friends with older kids

To close, this dinner motivated me to put “talk to kids about sex” on my google task reminders each month. It’s not a one-time conversation, after all.

I hope you’re inspired to chat with your partner or spouse about how y’all want to begin the conversation with your kids! Let’s equip them to make great choices.

Cheers,

Peyten