Do we matter? Do I matter? Does anything I do actually matter?

As a teacher, I posted thought-provoking quotes all around my classroom, and one of my favorites was, “if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.”

I worked in a high-achieving school, and I was always working to fight the assumption my students had about a singular path for their lives. They kept saying that they had to get straight A’s so that they could get into a “good” college (these were Middle school students, by the way) so that they could get a “good” (high paying) job, so that they could …….. by that point, the stringency of each response dwindled into the tone of a question…. so that they could “be happy?”

When pressed, my students often didn’t know why they were working so hard, feeling so stressed, or tempted to cheat. They just knew the pressure was there, and that if they didn’t achieve, well, life as they knew it may as well have been over.

Recently, I read Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic – and What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace. It’s a fascinating read, and I highly recommend it, particularly if you live in a “high achieving” neighborhood or your children go to a high performing school.

Now, I have NOTHING against high performing schools. I went to one, my children go to one, and I am very much in favor of the beauty of intellectual challenge and opportunities provided by these schools. We are blessed by our school and our relationship to it.

And yet research bears out that, if, as parents, we don’t approach the environment with the correct perspective, what we intend to be a blessing can become a curse. Wallace dives into the cursed outcomes of taking the wrong perspective in these environments, and then provides the antidote: mattering. When our kids know they matter to us, to their communities, that breeds self-confidence, better choices, and resilience.

According to Wallace, helping our kids know that they matter means celebrating their unique qualities outside of what they can do in the classroom or sports field or stage. Instead, remember to tell your children that you delight in their smile, their laughter, their presence… that they matter to you.

The second way to help your children know they matter is to help them discover how they are indispensable to their community. Help them see how they matter to others.

But this book made me wonder, where does this need for mattering for ourselves and to others come from? This desire to be recognized for our uniqueness, to be seen for the indispensable miracle we are?

I couldn’t help but think that her entire book is just a different way of looking at the “God sized-hole” that all of us have in our hearts that we all try to fill. When we try to fill that hole with achievement, with competition, with “stuff,” with performance, we ultimately fall into anxiety, depression, self-medicating, risky behaviors, and a self-centered vortex.

In the same way that Wallace delineates the effects of what happens when we try to fill our God-sized hole with achievement and performance, the author of Ecclesiastes beautifully describes the emptiness that arises from doing the same thing. He seems to sign in frustration,

I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. I undertook great projects: I built houses … I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees … I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees….I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces… I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.

(Ecclesiastes 2: 1-11)

It’s easy to fall into this thinking when we take our eyes off of God and his enduring love for us. In fact, without God, I can’t imagine that anything I do does matter. Why wouldn’t I solely or mostly be judged for my performance? For my power? For my influence? For my abilities? In a dog-eat-dog, Darwinian, survival-of-the-fittest world, I wouldn’t matter outside of my ability to “win” at all. And then, once I had “won,” what was it all for?

But God gives us a perspective that can re-frame our work and our achievements. God promises that we matter – just because we are his creation – he knows every hair on our heads (Luke 12:7), and he knows every thought in our hearts (Psalm 139), and he sent Jesus to save us.

When we follow Jesus’ command to love God and love others (Matthew 22:37), we find the foundation of mattering.

We love God because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). The entire story arc of the Bible is the story of God chasing after people who matter. God gives us the ultimate sense of mattering. How can we help but love God who teaches us we matter so much to him that he would die for us?

And loving others, well, that’s at the root of our work here on earth.

Let’s take a look at how the perspective shift – where one foundation is without God and the other is with Him – can change the outcomes of the same work.

Example 1: Service

Without God, we can turn our service to others into a comparison contest. Am I helping the most? Am I the best at helping? Am I doing enough? This perspective, even when community service is at the center of the action, leads to a self-centered perspective. And this self-centered perspective leads to the destructive behaviors Wallace talks about in her book.

But with God, when I’m following that commandment to love others, my perspective starts to shift away from myself and onto other people. What does this person really need? How can I be of service? What is the best way to show up for this person? Putting someone else’s mattering in the front of our minds is what, beautifully, helps us know that we matter.

Furthermore, suddenly, my mattering is contingent upon others having the vulnerability to accept my help, my skills. And this also allows us to know that when we are vulnerable and accept help, we are also gifting others with a sense of mattering that is fundamental to their well-being. Serving one another in love actually builds a world where the server and the servee are both helping each other.

This is what I think God’s kingdom is like.

When Jesus came to earth, he kept preaching about the good news of the Kingdom of God (ex. Matthew 4:23). Well his good news was that God’s kingdom had finally come to earth, in the form of Jesus. As we step into living in this kingdom, it’s like our perspective shifts completely from a self-centered one to one that is rooted in mattering.

Our work may not change. In fact, the beauty of how God works is that the “what” doesn’t often change. Instead, how we see the “what” changes.

Example 2: Parenting

I am still a mother. But instead of falling into the comparison trap of looking at what other people are doing and measuring my worth as a parent against their lives, I look to God’s command to love Him and love others. Suddenly, my questions are not about whether I’m measuring up according to the world’s standards. Instead, I’m asking myself how I can best love my children. How can I use the unique gifts I have been given in the circumstance I am living in to support other people’s needs? Where do I need to let others serve me? And suddenly, I matter, no matter what’s going on at home. Sure, I can still perform and hold myself to high expectations, but that is in service of something greater than each moment.

Example 3: School

Is it studying for a test? The world’s way tells you that studying is a grind and that you have to handle the stress of not making the grade or that others did better on the test than you. Of course this can lead to anxiety, apathy, or the temptation to cheat. Instead, flip it! The better way is to view studying for this test as an opportunity to learn about God’s world and to broaden your abilities to serve in it. Don’t get a good grade? That’s OK. The material isn’t going anywhere. You can always dive into it again later. Moreover, there is another topic out there that you may excel in that is exactly why you were put on this earth in the first place.

Example 4: Work

Have a big presentation at work or an opportunity for a promotion? The world’s way sees this moment as a single shot out of one. A world unto itself. Make or break. Pressure. Instead, flip it! The kingdom way sees it as a chance for you to use your gifts to serve. You can be curious about how God wants to use you. You can look at this moment, not as a one-and-done measure of your worth, but from an eternal perspective. That presentation in itself is chasing after the wind. That promotion only lands you farther up the ladder wanting another one. But in the other context, this is just one of many opportunities for you to take part in building God’s kingdom and honoring your skills. No matter whether you get the promotion or nail the presentation or not, you matter.

No matter what you’re doing, never forget that you matter. You matter to God. You matter to others. And you’ve got your lifetime to enjoy that beautiful sense of belonging. All you have to do is see from the a different perspective.