Dinner and Discussion Summary, October 2024

For our October dinner and discussion, we invited some brave friends to tackle the subject of aging parents. We are currently in our 40’s, raising elementary aged kids, and we’re noticing and experiencing that our parents are getting older.

What follows is a summary of the big take-aways from our dinner conversation, translated into letter form. After this dinner, I wanted to both summarize what we discussed and also share a resource that might help others. Feel free to use all or some of this letter with your own parents as a way to smooth the path towards proactive conversation. Our ultimate takeaway from the evening was to be proactive in this season of life.

Thank you to the 6 very brave friends who showed up to dine with us, share with us, provide their wisdom, and ask their questions. This letter is a testament to an amazing evening of conversation and friendship.

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Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m so thankful that I’ve had so many years with you- to enjoy life, to celebrate wins, to mourn losses, to just be together- and I look forward to the years ahead!

As I am now a parent myself, and I see our friends moving through the different seasons of life with their children and parents, I wanted to take a moment to get down some thoughts that have recently started to weigh on my heart and mind. I’ve found that heavy things somehow get easier when shared, and I’d like to proactively work with you on easing what can feel burdensome for parents and children alike. I believe together we can best enjoy the coming seasons if we take a moment to plan ahead.

I write this letter because I deeply respect you, and I want to continue to work in partnership as our life seasons change. I have a few questions for you about each possible stage in the road ahead; just as you have always been a wise guide to me throughout my life, I continue to seek your counsel now.

In the Autumn Years

“Nothing is certain but death and taxes,” as the old saying goes, but I would add that it’s also certain that before death, our bodies start to fail. In anticipation of bodies and minds that–God willing we live long enough–will begin to decline, I want to do the best I can to partner with you, love you, and care for you. In that spirit, I’d love to know what you think about the following questions. I know our faith tradition provides some guidance around these topics, but your wishes will be my ultimate guide.

• What are your expectations and hopes for this season? What are you looking forward to?
• Where do you hope or expect to live? For how long?
• If you’re not living near us or my siblings, would you consider moving closer to me? If not, when you look down the road, who is nearby who can be a quick support?
• What is your financial situation like? Do you have savings? A trust? Enough to live on? Do you expect financial support from me?
• Have you already made a will? If not, will you please do a will for your estate, any property, and also a living will?
• What kind of life insurance and health insurance do you have?
• Have you got a place where you store important documents (birth certificate, will, social security cards, insurance information, bank accounts, investment accounts, passwords, etc)?
• If your body and mind begin to decline, what do you want daily care to look like?
• If there is ever a time when your body and mind fades so that you can’t take care of yourself safely, what do you hope I will do? (For example, if you think you can still drive your car, but it is not safe for you to do so.)
• How do you feel about this upcoming fall season? Besides me, what other social supports and friends are you happy that you have?
• In the Spring and Summer seasons of life, we have lots of markers – birthdays, weddings, graduations, but in the fall season there aren’t many aside from retirement. Are there any ways that you’d like to celebrate this season or take time to mark an important moment or two?

In the Winter Season

When the final chapter in the book of your life is coming to a close, I want to be there for you.

• Who (me, siblings, extended family) do you want to be your voice if you can’t speak for yourself?
• Who do you want by your side at the end?
• If the timing of this season is long or short, your thoughts about this season may vary. What are your thoughts about what I can do to be supportive if your winter season lingers?
• If you do not have a living will, who would you want to make the decisions about end of life care? Do you have any thoughts you want to share with me about that?

I want you to know that just when I was born, you held me and hugged me, I plan to do the same for you. Lots of hugs and quality time! I don’t ever want you to feel lonely on this journey.

When You’re Gone

• Do you have thoughts about how you want your life to be celebrated? If so, where are those written down?
• How do you want us to remember you?
• Are there any particularly special family items that you want to stay in the family? If you have a will, have you listed them and to whom you would like them to go?
• Our extended family will be mourning as well; what do you wish or hope regarding their attendance, participation, or voice in these matters?

Talking To The Grandkids

Our kids are going to need to only handle information that is age appropriate. Depending on how old they are when these seasons come, do you have any advice for me around what you’d like them to know or how present you want them to be during these stages?

How I’m Going to Prepare and Get Support

When things are hard, or we have conflict, I’ll remember to tell you that “I love you more than this moment or this disagreement.”

I’m also going to reach out to my siblings to talk with them about their hopes and expectations and what’s realistic for us each to manage in this season.

I think it’s important for you to hear from us what we hope for these years, what’s realistic for us, and how we need you to support us.

When You’re Ready to Share

I’m not sure what’s your preferred way for you to share your answers to these questions and hear our thoughts.

Perhaps we could all take time to sit down together and hear what you have to say. You might like to take a family trip or spend a few days of quality time with me and the siblings, both to enjoy each other’s company, and also to find time to speak about this letter.

Or perhaps we could just take a walk and you could share your thoughts. Nothing formal– however you want to communicate your ideas is great with me. In person, via email, video recorded, on the phone, sitting by a fire, or around the dinner table! Let me know what feels most comfortable for you.

Let’s Not Forget to Celebrate

Aside from preparing for the fall and winter seasons ahead, I’d love to spend some time hearing and recording some of your favorite stories from the spring and summer seasons of your life. I already know many, but I’d love to hear them again! It brings me such joy to hear you share your stories and your life with me, and I know the kids enjoy them as well.

Now that I’ve gotten around to writing about this topic, I’m thinking about how I can go ahead and get started answering these questions for my own children. For I am sure that they will be asking me these questions some day, God willing. I know I’ll learn from you some great ideas and ways to think this through so that I’ll be prepared when my autumn and winter seasons approach.

There is freedom in having planned and shared our ideas and hopes and expectations. While some of the topics are difficult, I know that we can navigate them together. I love you so much,

Peyten