Dinner & Discussion: Balancing Extracurriculars

Last night, Stan and I hosted our first Dinner and Discussion of the 2024 fall. The topic: extracurricular balance.

The irony? We barely had time to cook the dinner and get ourselves together because, at the present moment, our family is extracurricularly imbalanced! 

It’s not just our family who struggles with extra-curricular balance. I knew this topic would spark a meaningful conversation. In our community, with high-achieving schools in Atlanta, extracurriculars tend to be a double-edged sword of raising children.

As usual, we started the dinner with introductions. Some around the table knew each other, but others didn’t. Our guests hailed from multiple schools, with kids in various grades—mostly elementary, though some had middle-schoolers. To break the ice, we asked everyone to share the extracurricular activity from their childhood that was most meaningful to them. Sporting teams, marching band, music, and even childhood jobs all made an appearance. One couple from the Middle East shared how they had no extracurriculars growing up, focusing instead on education and family. Their perspective provided helpful balance for the rest of us, who spent our childhoods in a flurry of after-school activities.

After a bit of light-hearted complaining about the costs— the monetary cost, the cost to family time, the cost of driving our children around, the cost to our marriages, and the cost to our own mental health—of raising over-scheduled kids, the conversation took off, lasting for nearly three hours without pause. By the end of the night, strangers had become friends, and everyone left with a little more wisdom. Here are the key takeaways:

1. Understanding “The Why”

Many of us admitted to signing up our kids for extracurriculars without stopping to think about why we were doing it. Initially, the reasons were clear—exposing them to new interests, helping them make friends, or nurturing a talent. But somewhere along the way, it became routine. The “why” became blurry. Were we continuing drama or robotics just because our children had done it the previous year? Going forward, we realized it’s essential to evaluate the reason for each activity. Does the activity align with long-term goals for our children’s character, friendships, or development? Are we allowing our children to explore their interests while still keeping balance?

And as they get older, our children should be part of that discussion. Why do they want to continue? Why are we making the sacrifices we do for them to participate? The conversation helped many of us realize the importance of revisiting our family’s definition of success and ensuring our activities align with it. Moreover, it helped many of us realize it was past time to involve our children in sharing their ideas around success as well. 

We spent a good bit of time mulling over what success meant to us. Was it financial independence, stability, or excellence? Was it being a person of good character? Was it getting into a good college – and what does “good college” mean anyway these days? Was it being able to live independently and have healthy relationships? Was it finding a solid job? Was it making straight A’s? We noted the tension between the values in our hearts and the values of the culture that we “swim in” as David Foster Wallace writes about in his classic commencement speech. How easily are we carried away by the current of our lives if we do not have some sort of anchor point to hold us steady. 

2. Navigating Trade-offs

With every decision about extracurricular activities, there are trade-offs. Some are obvious, like time and money, but others are more subtle. We discussed how adding another activity often comes at the cost of family time, sleep, friendships, or our own health as parents. Involving our children in these decisions—within the boundaries we set as parents—helps them understand the importance of priorities and balance. One parent shared that they were willing to accept lower grades for their child in order to support a passion, while others felt the need to set firm boundaries around time and health.

3. Setting Boundaries Around Health

We all agreed that health—our own and our children’s—often takes a backseat when planning extracurriculars. Whether it’s missing sleep, stressing over logistics, or compromising family time, the toll can be significant. Historically, when we have considered whether to let our child participate in whatever extra curricular endeavor (sports, music, drama, coding, the sky is the limit!), we usually consider the following boundaries: cost, time, logistics. Do we have enough money to let our child do this? Can I get them there on time? And how will I get them to and from said activity? Very rarely do we consider boundaries around our children’s or our own or our family’s health. Will my child get enough sleep if they have practice from 7-9pm three days a week? Will my own health suffer if I add another hour of driving each day to get all my kids to their practices? Will my child’s mental health be impacted by being overly or under subscribed to extracurriculars? How will this activity impact our family time and the other members of our family? We noted that not asking questions like this has led many of us to choose more intense “travel” “premier” or “extra” extra curricular activities.  We noted that the pressures of “travel” or “premier” leagues sometimes lead us to overcommit, even when it’s not in the best interest of our family’s overall well-being. Several parents reflected on how these activities start out small but can quickly snowball into a massive time and energy commitment.

4. Supporting Passion vs. Balance

Interestingly, while we often criticize “over-committed” families, some of the parents at the table helped us see it differently. For families whose children have a clear passion, whether it’s sports, drama, or music, those parents were willing to make sacrifices to support that passion. The key is to know when it’s time to fully support an interest—and when to pull back.

5. Avoiding the Spoiled Mindset and Mental Health Challenges

We touched on the danger of raising children who are over-scheduled to the point of not participating in daily family responsibilities. Some of us shared concerns that children, if only focused on school and extracurriculars, might grow up feeling entitled and/or pressured. If my daughter’s life solely consists of being expected to “perform” in school – aka, get good grades- and then “perform” on the gymnastics floor – aka, practice 9 hours a week and compete all weekend- two things can happen. The first is that she can develop mental health issues as Jennifer Breheny Wallace so aptly describes in her latest book, Never Enough. The second is that she could grow up spoiled and entitled. I used to teach, and I noticed that many students walked through life as though everyone else existed merely to serve them. Now, that is certainly a trait of many a teen as far as regular development goes, but it felt exacerbated somehow. Many of these students did not have to help at home, they spent all their waking hours working on self-improvement. They did not have to do the dishes, their laundry, take out the trash, or even walk the dog— and it’s not their fault – they simply didn’t have time between school, homework, and extracurriculars. Around the table, we agreed we didn’t want our kids to end up like that.

6. The Value of a Job

Many parents noted that students at our high-achieving schools rarely have after-school jobs. While we want to foster responsibility, the busy schedules of extracurriculars often make this difficult. We considered whether a flexible job, like babysitting or mowing lawns, might help strike a balance between commitment and independence.

7. FOMO Pressure

The fear of missing out (FOMO) loomed large. Parents felt pressured to sign their children up for sports or other activities from an early age—worried that skipping even one season might close doors later. If I don’t sign my child up for travel baseball at age 7, if he doesn’t play in the fall, spring, and summer (so only taking off November- January), and if he doesn’t do extra pitching or hitting lessons on his off days, he won’t make his high school baseball team. And I have to make this decision about his future when he’s 7???? There’s so. Much. pressure. On every decision. But we agreed that if we focus on “The Why,” many of those fears become less significant. Ultimately, none of us said our long-term goal for our children was to make a high school varsity team, yet that fear of missing out still weighs heavily in decision-making.

8. More Kids, More Curriculars

The more the merrier—or just the crazier? We realized that families with fewer children seem to have an easier time managing this juggling act. But once you have more kids, things start to snowball, and fast. As kids get older and dive deeper into their activities, it feels like you’re suddenly caught in an avalanche.

I used to take pride in keeping things simple—one activity per child per season. It felt manageable. But this fall, that rule quietly slipped away. Now, each activity has intensified. What was once a single soccer practice and a one-hour game per week for my oldest when he was 6 has ballooned into four and a half, sometimes five and a half hours of practice a week, plus three weekend games. And he’s only 11!

Then you add in my 8-year-old’s activities. And my 6-year-old’s. Suddenly, there isn’t a single day that doesn’t have some kind of commitment. It’s overwhelming. I’m realizing that as my kids get older—and as our family grows—the boundaries need to get tighter. At least, for my sanity, mine need to!

9. Toxic Coaching & Toxic Sports Culture

We couldn’t ignore the issue of toxic coaching and overly competitive environments, where adults—parents and coaches alike—can lose perspective. Several of us have witnessed this and expressed concerns about the impact it can have on our kids’ character and emotional health. When parents or volunteers start yelling at kids, or bring this intense pressure that just doesn’t fit their age, it’s hard not to cringe. Lately, we’ve all noticed how more parents are shouting at referees, umpires, even scorekeepers—yelling at the other team. There’s this fever that seems to take over the adults who are supposedly “supporting” our kids, and honestly, it feels like we need a cure.

Maybe it’s because we’re all running on empty—our brains stuck in fight-or-flight mode from the endless driving, shelling out hundreds of dollars, and still worrying that none of it will be “enough.” This frantic pace, fueled by some vague cultural pressure, is exhausting us.

For me, this conversation was eye-opening. I realized I’d rather sign my child up for a less intense league, even if it means they don’t get that varsity letter someday, than have them surrounded by out-of-control coaches and fans. At the end of the day, that kind of chaos just isn’t worth it.

As parents, we want our children to excel, but not at the cost of their well-being or their characters. This conversation made it clear that prioritizing positive environments is just as important as the activities themselves.

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To everyone who joined us last night, thank you. The honest, heartfelt conversations around the table made this gathering truly special. For anyone reading, I encourage you to host your own discussion. Parenting in community makes the journey a little easier. And you don’t need a fancy meal—pizza will do just fine. It’s the conversation that matters!

(Full disclosure, I wrote this and then used ChatGPT to edit/revise. #timesaver!)