Western culture, in particular, tends to promote freedom as being able to do whatever we want to whenever we want to do it. But, in fact, this paradox is more true: boundaries, while they initially seem to fence us in, actually create freedom. 

Boundaries create a safe space for rest, for peace, for confidence. These elements are necessary for fostering the ability to choose. Take, for example, Sunbutter and Jelly, the classic millennial sandwich. (I know, I know, hang with me! Nobody can use peanut butter at school anymore, am I right?). 

When you walk into your local supermarket, hunting for the jelly for your next sun-butter and jelly sandwich, you encounter a wall of jams and jellies. How is one to choose? It’s overwhelming, just within the jam section, the amount of options we have staggers the mind. Do I want strawberry, mixed berry, sweet potato? Which brand? Organic or not? How does one decide? Choice-paralysis sets in, and we are lost. Or at least, I am.

But when I put boundaries around my choices, I am at rest, and I can so easily choose. My daughter loves strawberry jelly, so I disregard all the other flavors. I prefer organic produce, so I narrow my options down farther. I prefer not to spend an arm and a leg, and, suddenly, I’m down to three choices. Voila! I look at the ingredient list on the back to ensure there is no nut contamination for my highly-allergic sons and that the ingredient list is composed only of words I can say without sounding them out. We are down to one. Boundaries = Magic. 

So what does sunbutter and jelly have to do with the paradox that boundaries create freedom?

Defining What We Really Want

Happiness.

What an elusive thing. 

So often as a teacher, I would hear parents say, “I just want my kids to be happy.” And I would cringe.

It is not possible to ensure happiness as a permanent state. That’s not a possible goal. 

Happiness is an emotion. Just like sadness. Just like anger. Just like silliness. Emotions are transitory. They come and go. There is no steadiness to them, they are merely signs for us to read and use and respond to as we navigate the life situations that evoke them. 

 In fact, the only guarantee we have about our emotions, particularly happiness, is that they will change.

Now, it is certainly not bad to want happiness. I mean, the pursuit of it is written in the foundations of our country – thank you Declaration of Independence! And of course, I would rather feel positive emotions than negative ones, but I have very little control of that. If happiness is my guiding direction, not only am I bound to fail, I am also setting myself up for unhappiness. 

People whose beacon is happiness end up with changeable boundaries, for what makes us happy one day may make us miserable the next. Furthermore, in a wretched sort of irony, living towards short-term happiness can create supreme unhappiness. Saying no, establishing boundaries, setting limits for ourselves actually enables growth towards independence and smoothes the path, in fact, creating a potential for more happiness than if happiness were the ultimate aim.

So the first boundary to establish is to define what do you REALLY want ? Ultimately?

Defining that boundary will help you get happiness, along with the goal you’re actually striving towards.

The Relationship Between Boundaries and Freedom

We all know adults who struggle with boundaries and end up losing freedom of one kind or another because they could not “stay on the road.” I recall an acquaintance who lied all the time, did not live within the boundaries of the law, and did not remain faithful to his wife. He lost so much freedom- his old friends wouldn’t see him, his wife left him and took his child, he even went to jail– because he was not adept at choosing well within the boundaries of his life, and he could not even set boundaries for himself. 

Boundaries are not just reactive or responsive. They can and should also include vision casting. One tradition my husband started for our family involves proactive family boundary setting. Some people chafe at the thought of a family mission statement, but here is how he does it, and it has been one excellent way of setting up proactive boundaries for us as a family. 

Every January one, he pulls out poster paper and colored markers, and the five of us gather in the living room. On each piece of paper is one question ranging from “How do we want to feel as a family?” to “What is the purpose of our family?” to “What do we want to do together as a family?” We sit around, eat pizza, and talk about our answers to these questions. In a way, we’re almost creating guardrails and envisioning our destination together. This is proactive boundary setting as we collectively define our direction. We are, as my four-year-old aptly said, a “party family, a pizza family,” and we like to “travel together, play sports together.” At home we want to feel “peaceful and welcoming.” These are loose boundaries that can help guide us in our decision making. We are probably not going to be a family who tries to save for a permanent vacation home. Not because we look down on those folks, but because as a travel family, we will want to visit more places than one. While I dream of having family sing-a-longs, we are much more likely to spend our weekends at the baseball or soccer field than jamming on guitars and the piano. Now, as our children age, there is a good chance that some of these boundary lines may shift, even evaporate or completely change, but as of now, they are helpful guides for us as a family as we go together. 

By setting our boundaries together, we’re creating opportunities to say yes to the things that will bring our family joy and bring us together, and we’ve got the freedom that comes with being able to say no to other things that, while in and of themselves are good, may take us off course. 

Reflect On It

• What are some of the boundaries in your life that you’ve tried to get rid of, ignored, or broken down? What happened? 
• Where do your boundaries come from? 
• How do you react to the boundaries in your life? How do you react when you bump into them? Can you re-frame how you see the boundaries in your life as freedom-giving instead of limiting?
• What kind of boundaries do you want to set for your children?
• Consider some proactive visioning for you, your spouse, your children, and your family. How might that vision or those hopes help you set direction more purposefully? What new boundaries may come up for you because of that ultimate goal?